Saturday, March 27, 2004
finally its done
the following essays are written by me, with bad english and uneditted. wrote it for three mornings, around 9am while on the job. just some personal thoughts, and ideas that flow within my head then. enjoy:
number 1
My state of norm has always been filled with dark grey clouds and thunder: Happy people are the weirdest lot, personally thats what i feel. Maybe the reason can only be because i've been pent up and depressed for so long; since i was 11 to be precise. That reason has caused me to know, or rather feel (if i could), that happiness is something alien to my emotions. It invades and evades, going away, leaving a terrible feeling after departure. I suppose there is a way to let the feeling be permanent, but i do not know how.
Colonization of the heart; something i deem rather negatively. Its just that when someone comes along and manage to change my mindset towards what you call 'love', it takes over me forcefully - colonising me. Just like how the great superpowers took over countries/nations or states and impose their foreign rule (with adverse effects and intentions to exploit), the colonization of the heart is akin to someone enforcing or imposing a power over my state of emotion; the ability to care. I find it hard to break free of this, just like how the local governments found it hard to gain soverignty and autocracy back then.
Now what has that got to do with happiness? The connection is clear: when i allow myself to love someone, and when i embrace that foreign body's welcoming visit, i often find own mental and physical state imprisoned later on. The idea of remnants of the past in my failure to save myself from being taken over just causes more pain. Like the sole of your shoes, slowly my protection wears out, and then it dawns upon me; im helpless. It starts out like a drug, promosing the chance to heal, vis a vie a method to solve the depression, and it slowly lures one away into an addiction that destroys him. Its hard to let go. Very. I suppose its my mistake for wanting to be happy but looking for it at the wrong places and being dependant on the wrong people. Just like the dews at the tip of leaves, i cant escape but evaporate, slowly dimming away from her eyes, the invasion complete.. and im left devoid of smiles or cheers. Happiness is just another myth.
Ever wondered why its called "falling" in love?
Because the word 'falling' implies that its an accident. Accidents are bad, most of the time. Its a bad connotation. Therefore when people normally 'fall' in love, they didnt ask for it. Its accidental. Its evil.
the following essays are written by me, with bad english and uneditted. wrote it for three mornings, around 9am while on the job. just some personal thoughts, and ideas that flow within my head then. enjoy:
number 1
My state of norm has always been filled with dark grey clouds and thunder: Happy people are the weirdest lot, personally thats what i feel. Maybe the reason can only be because i've been pent up and depressed for so long; since i was 11 to be precise. That reason has caused me to know, or rather feel (if i could), that happiness is something alien to my emotions. It invades and evades, going away, leaving a terrible feeling after departure. I suppose there is a way to let the feeling be permanent, but i do not know how.
Colonization of the heart; something i deem rather negatively. Its just that when someone comes along and manage to change my mindset towards what you call 'love', it takes over me forcefully - colonising me. Just like how the great superpowers took over countries/nations or states and impose their foreign rule (with adverse effects and intentions to exploit), the colonization of the heart is akin to someone enforcing or imposing a power over my state of emotion; the ability to care. I find it hard to break free of this, just like how the local governments found it hard to gain soverignty and autocracy back then.
Now what has that got to do with happiness? The connection is clear: when i allow myself to love someone, and when i embrace that foreign body's welcoming visit, i often find own mental and physical state imprisoned later on. The idea of remnants of the past in my failure to save myself from being taken over just causes more pain. Like the sole of your shoes, slowly my protection wears out, and then it dawns upon me; im helpless. It starts out like a drug, promosing the chance to heal, vis a vie a method to solve the depression, and it slowly lures one away into an addiction that destroys him. Its hard to let go. Very. I suppose its my mistake for wanting to be happy but looking for it at the wrong places and being dependant on the wrong people. Just like the dews at the tip of leaves, i cant escape but evaporate, slowly dimming away from her eyes, the invasion complete.. and im left devoid of smiles or cheers. Happiness is just another myth.
Ever wondered why its called "falling" in love?
Because the word 'falling' implies that its an accident. Accidents are bad, most of the time. Its a bad connotation. Therefore when people normally 'fall' in love, they didnt ask for it. Its accidental. Its evil.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
people watch out for this space alright? im in the midst of writing a long long essay which i will publish once its done.
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